


Coming to His Senses

by Willowbrooke



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Internal Monologue, M/M, Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2018-02-03 01:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1726190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willowbrooke/pseuds/Willowbrooke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul." In the early morning, James reflects on his new relationship with Robbie.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coming to His Senses

**Author's Note:**

  * For [loves_books](https://archiveofourown.org/users/loves_books/gifts).



> I've been working on this story for some time. I had set myself the task of writing an interior monologue and, suffice it to say, this will probably be the only one I ever post. :) I was at the point of giving up on it when loves_books posted [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1606448) lovely piece. I realized that my story was actually a mirror to that one and I knew I had to finish my story to provide the counterpoint. Tremendous thanks go to ComplicatedLight for the brilliant and extremely helpful beta service! I have tinkered a bit, so all errors are mine.

James moved quietly and carefully out of bed so as not to wake the man sleeping peacefully beside him. He made his way to the kitchen where he started coffee in Robbie's old filter coffee maker. He preferred the cafetiere, but this morning, it was important for the smell of fresh brewed coffee to make its way into the bedroom.

As he crept back into bed, he was relieved to see that Robbie had not stirred. James settled on his back, focusing on the patterns that the early morning light played across the walls, while he waited. There! He closed his eyes, inhaled the aroma coming from the kitchen, and smiled. He was revelling in this new freedom to allow his senses free reign after years of denying himself that luxury. 

"Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul." That's what Oscar Wilde had to say on the subject and it had resonated with James. He had loved Robbie in silence for years, and during those years he had taught himself to assume a detached and casual manner that he seldom felt when he was with his boss. He couldn't risk giving himself away by reacting to the brief touch of Robbie's hand on his arm or to his first sight of the man as he stepped into their office in the morning.

Allowing himself to respond to those everyday sensory inputs would undoubtedly, at some point, lead to him betraying his feelings, his soul, and so he had simply shut down the connection. He had learnt how to interact with the world through a protective barrier. If he couldn't have that which would allow him to live, then he had, at least, learnt to exist. 

And then, quite surprisingly, everything had changed in the aftermath of the Bentley case. Robbie had been furious with James for placing himself between the man with the gun and his intended victim, but really, James had had no choice. He was the only one close enough to intervene and he couldn't stand there and do nothing. In the end, he managed to convince the man to put down his weapon and give himself up.

Robbie had dressed him down quite forcefully in front of everyone on the scene before storming off. It had hurt doubly because he knew that if Robbie had been standing where James was, he would have done exactly the same thing.

That evening, Robbie had shown up on James' doorstep looking completely stricken. When James stood aside to let his governor in, he took two steps forward and enveloped James in an embrace that left no doubt about how the man felt about him. 

The sexual tension that had been building between them had finally been resolved that night, though the desperate need in each of them meant that their first sexual encounter had been over quicker than either would have liked. It had been more about satisfying physical needs than emotional ones. He was glad that they had at least been able to laugh about it afterwards. He was also glad that they had more than made up for that 'less than perfect' first time the following morning. They did so again in the shower after lunch, and once more in bed that night.

In the early days of this new, intensely intimate relationship, James had worried that he might not be able to get past that barrier he had erected to protect himself and he wondered if he would ever be able to be fully interact with the world again. But in the weeks that followed, he had been overjoyed to discover that not only had his senses reawakened, but they had sharpened and become completely focused on Robbie and this new reality between them. His soul had been nourished and renewed by his newfound contentment, and somehow had, indeed, managed to cure his senses.

He rolled onto his side now, facing Robbie as he propped himself up on his elbow so that he could study the older man's face. 

He knew Robbie worried about the age difference between them, but it really was not something James thought much about. It just didn't matter. He loved Robbie and he loved every single line on the older man's face. Those lines had been etched by years of experiences and significant moments. Moments of joy, worry, anger, and sorrow. Together, they told the story of his life and reflected the inner man. In James' eyes, Robbie could not have been more beautiful.

He wasn't sure that he believed in love at first sight, but even so, he sometimes wondered if he had fallen in love that first day at the airport. Robbie had been sleep-deprived and apprehensive about his return to Oxford and he had been very snappy with James. Still, James had felt connected to this man from the beginning. They'd never talked about their meeting and early work relationship. He must remember to ask Robbie sometime what his first impressions of James had been. He grinned: probably nothing flattering! Something along the lines of 'smartarse, overeducated, God-botherer' perhaps?

He looked once more at the man beside him and carefully moved closer to gently settle his head on Robbie's chest. Sometimes he just wanted to bury his face against Robbie's bare skin and do nothing but breathe him in. Of course, he understood the science of pheromones, but that didn't change the fact that Robbie's scent was like a magnet to him. He quite simply could not get enough of it. 

Some days when work required them to be in close quarters, he found it difficult to concentrate or to keep from reaching out and pulling Robbie that much closer. He thought about the day last week when he had been helping Robbie with a computer issue. He had been standing behind his boss, bent over him to get a better look at the screen. It had taken every bit of willpower he had to keep from burying his face into Robbie's neck; right there in the office, in front of everyone. 

The next sense James thought about was sound and the first sound that came to mind was Robbie's voice. There was something so comforting about the straightforward, easy manner in which the older man spoke. Robbie's voice felt like a warm blanket being wrapped round him.

He sometimes found himself distracted by the word choices and the cadence of Robbie's speech. James had had a friend at Cambridge who was from Tyneside, but the rhythm and intonation of Robbie's Geordie dialect had been altered and tempered somewhat by years of living in Oxford, so it was uniquely his. They had recently begun reading aloud to one another which James found soothing and stimulating all at once. 

With his head resting as it was now on Robbie's chest, he heard and felt each breath that Robbie took and that brought to mind the sounds of pleasure Robbie made when James kissed him or touched him and he especially loved the sounds of their lovemaking and the moans that escaped Robbie's lips when he came.

Taste? Well, curries and pints down the pub were tastes that reminded James of their shared time together, and sometimes their kisses tasted of those things. They could also taste of morning coffee or toothpaste. Fresh from the shower, Robbie's skin might taste of soap, but it was the natural, slightly salty taste of Robbie's skin that James savoured as he sucked, licked and kissed his way across Robbie's body.

And finally, touch, the sense that more than any other had allowed James to heal the connection between his heart, soul and body. James was still in awe of the powerful emotions and the intimacy that their touching generated.

He thought about the years that he'd forced himself to refrain from contact or to pretend that their frequent physical closeness meant nothing to him. What a pleasure it was now to be able to act on an impulse to stroke Robbie's face or to kiss him for no other reason than wanting to. And that joy was amplified when it was Robbie who touched and caressed first. The physical sensations of loving and being loved went beyond anything he had ever imagined. 

James had always believed that a shared love must be one of the most fulfilling things in life, but he had never allowed himself to dream that this most basic of comforts might one day be something he could be a part of. Love had always been an abstract concept that he had witnessed in other people's lives, but one that he had long ago accepted would never be a part of his. And then, when Robbie had shown him what real love was, James had been surprised to discover just how important and integral physical contact was in a loving relationship. It complimented and enhanced the emotional connection and strengthened the bond between them.

James felt ridiculously grateful for the nerve endings in his fingertips that helped him sense the effect his touching had on Robbie. As back pain continued to be an issue for Robbie, James had taken to giving him regular massages, which seemed to help. It was such a pleasure to lose himself in the slight shivers and growing warmth his hands produced as they worked to unknot muscles and ease the tension in his lover's body.

Every physical contact between them was a rediscovery of awareness and emotion that had long been buried. Their bodies pressed together; the startlingly erotic brush of Robbie’s erect cock against his thigh or belly. And the most intimate sensation of all; the feel of Robbie entering him and moving inside him.

Though he'd kept his five senses under lock and key for the last few years, James realized that a sixth sense had developed during that time, which had connected him to Robbie in a very direct, though less obvious way.

Even in the early days of their partnership there had been a natural, wordless shorthand that they used to communicate. Over the years that non-verbal communication had developed to the point where all it took was a raised eyebrow or a tilt of the head for one to convey a complete message to the other. Colleagues often commented on it. Of course, it was part of the reason they were such a good team on the job, but it also spoke volumes about the deeper relationship that existed between them long before either of them had realized it. 

James was roused from his musing when Robbie started to wake. "Mmm, that coffee smells grand," he said. "Thanks for getting up to start it." Robbie's arms came up and encircled James, holding him close.

"I think," James replied as he raised his head to look at Robbie, "that we need to buy you one of those models with a timer so that it will start by itself. Then neither of us will have to get out of bed until it's ready."

"What _will_ they think of next?" Robbie smiled as he planted a quick kiss on James' lips. 

Their lips came together again, and this time they shared an intense, passionate kiss. James slowly pulled back and as he met Robbie's eyes, he breathed him in. He heard the love in Robbie's voice and he tasted the slight saltiness of his skin as he trailed kisses along Robbie's neck. He brought his hand up to cup Robbie's face as he kissed the man he loved once more.

It had been such a long journey to this point, but loving Robbie was something that James now did with all senses fully engaged and with his whole heart and soul. He smiled as he felt Robbie's stiffening cock twitching against his leg and he knew that actually _tasting_ the coffee this morning would have to wait just a bit longer.

 

 

**Epilogue**

A few days later, James and Robbie were relaxing against each other on the sofa, sharing a bottle of wine and paying minimal attention to whatever programme was playing on the telly. James finally remembered something he had wanted to ask Robbie.

"I was thinking the other day about when we met." he began.

"Oh, aye?" 

"I was remembering our awkward drive back to Oxford from the airport and thinking about how, during the course of the Griffin investigation, I realised that you were different from the other DI's I'd known."

"Yeah?" Robbie was listening but still not completely focused.

"Yeah. It's just that we've never talked about that time and yet it had such a significant impact on our lives."

Realising now that James really wanted to talk about this, Robbie reached for the remote and switched the TV off. He turned so that he was facing James, giving the man his full attention. He casually reached out for James' hand and began rubbing his thumb across the back of it. He smiled as he remembered that day so long ago.

"Are you for me?" Robbie said as he remembered that moment.

James smiled too as he thought back to that day. "How prophetic is it that those were your first words to me? I was wondering the other day what your first impressions of me might have been." He looked down and continued. "And don't worry, I'm sure most of them were not very flattering." 

"To be honest, love, you've been a mystery to me since the day we met, though I think I've made some headway in figuring out what makes you tick." He smiled again and paused for a moment. "The truth?" 

"The truth." James leaned in and kissed Robbie softly. "It can't be worse than what I've imagined."

"The truth is I was operating on little sleep and had worked meself into quite a state about being back in Oxford. That first day, I couldn't focus on anything but Val. But as we made our way through the Griffin case together, there were some things that stood out to me about you.

"I wondered why someone who was going to be a bloody priest would suddenly decide to be a copper. I suppose my first thoughts were something along the lines of 'posh, sarcastic, God-bothering, intellectual who maybe looked down a bit on his fellow coppers.'"

James winced slightly and Robbie continued quickly. "But I realised soon enough how far off base I was. Do you remember handing me the case file on Danny Griffin's criminal damage?"

"Hard to forget. You shouted at me in front of Dr. Hobson."

"That I did. Sorry." He had the grace to look a bit embarrassed. "But the fact that you made the effort to track it down for me...well, I think that's when I realized that there was more to you than what I thought I saw. It's why I took the blame when Innocent went on her rampage about the expedited report that didn't get picked up.

"The point is, James, it didn't take me long to realise that you were clever and really good at your job, not posh or superior. And I reckoned I could work around the 'God' thing. And when you asked Innocent to give me first refusal, well, at that point, I knew I would be a fool to let anyone else have you."

James was quietly thoughtful for a moment. He smiled as he said, "Maybe sometime I'll tell you what my first impressions of you were." 

Robbie gave him a look and then got to his feet, reaching out for James' hand. "Come on. Let's go to bed."

"Right behind you... maybe in more ways than one." 

"Smartarse," Robbie said with love as he led James to the bedroom.

**Author's Note:**

> Oscar Wilde quote is from 'The Picture of Dorian Gray.'


End file.
